Friday, January 9, 2009

Performance anxiety...

I'm in hell. Really.

I've procrastinated and made half-assed attempts to the point where I have to have my yearly performance review submitted to my boss by freaking Monday. For those of you that don't have to deal with this corporate BS - they give us a list of general level things to accomplish. Then you have to come up with things that fit that list and show you actually contributed something "to the bottom line". It's better if you can quantify them. Then you have to give numerical rankings to your work. Then you go over it with your boss, change the numbers to what they think they should be, sign it and "whew, done for another year" sets in. So I just have to get over the hump, right? But with today's economy and layoffs, I really feel the need to have something impressive in here. I don't think I would do well on welfare, I have too many vices. Chocolate. Smoking. Drinking. Shoes. Heat. Oh yeah, and piles of bills that companies actually have the nerve to expect payment on.

After spending 6 hours refining it today, and being 2 beers in, I'm feeling pretty good about 3 sections of it. The section I'm stuck on is around communication. Now, I know what you're thinking. I've started a blog where I manage to blather on and on about nothing, and I seem fairly literate. But anyone that doesn't know me very well says the same thing "She's so quiet!" Here's a list of the reasons I am so quiet:
  • I'm an obnoxious smart-ass holding in all of the inappropriate things I really want to say.
  • I lack social grace. Really. Some (thanks Jeanne) think I have a mild case of Aspergers. I'm horrible at making small talk. I mumble something about the weather, stare at my shoes and then hurry off because "I have a meeting to get to."
  • Bragging on myself is not something I'm good at. I'm much more likely to make fun of myself for my many flaws. I'm sure being the middle child comes into play here.
  • I'm a private person. I know, I'm letting it all hang out here. But I feel fairly safe and anonymous except that some people following Jeanne might figure out who I am. And it worries me. Also when you say "I had a really bad weekend" I don't say "Really, what happened?" not because I don't give a shit but because it feels like prying.
  • Well, ok, some times I really don't give a shit.
  • I suck at politics and that sort of thing. Really, I just want to make shit happen. And I want it to be right. If you really need your ego stroked that bad, go into acting or something and get out of my world.

Wow, this is better than therapy. Not that I've ever been. Or it could be that I've almost finished my third beer. I have to go. Captain Clueless (who spent 4 hours surfing the net) is done and now in there whining about being bored and all I do is blog anymore, wah wah.


  1. Oh, send me some questions...I majored in English the first go round college...I can so embellish, and not even know what it is you do...and all our men are whining, that is why we are the goddess and they aren't...

  2. OMG, I forgot to run spell check and I reviewed this at least 3 times but still just realized I misspelled perfoRmance. Crap, I will be in the unemployment line in no time.

    Chef E, I appreciate the sentiment. The problem is I didn't actually DO anything that would fit into this category and BS'ing my way thru it just isn't working out.

  3. Blogging is like therapy, you can say anything and there will be someone out there who, at least, appears to understand. For example, I don't like to pry either even when I do give a shit, so it never even occurs to me to ask 'what happened' which means people tend to think I'm rude. Bastards.

  4. So, I'm thinking of instituting a system of performance appraisals at my new job.

    What do you think?

    (Hahahahahaha. I already know what you think -- and I'll probably do it anyway. Because when they're done right, they actually help people focus on what's important and understand how their role contributes to the organization's overall goals.

    Plus, I have a sadistic streak.)

  5. I know I was just throwing some love your way!

  6. We would have them every six months, and always came away with more work and less money...

  7. Well I think you are just as funny as Jeanne in your own way. And I don't think you have Asberger's either. You know, you can edit your posts and fix glaring spelling errors that only show up after you hit the "Post" button. I do that all the time. I am sure you do know how to spell "performance" and won't hold it against you. Good luck with the review and my theory about the being quiet thing is if you are a shy person as a child you will always be that shy person even if you think you have left it behind you. And the shyness/quiet thing only comes out when it is least desired. Keep up the interesting posts.

  8. Why not bring in some Dark and Stormies to your Monday meeting? They go especially well with cigarettes and number blurring.
    Thanks for following me!

  9. Eryl, you're right. There are a lot of bastards out there.

    Jeanne, how much would you charge to finish writing mine?? wink, wink

    BD, they don't cut our salary they just shit can us.

    Jan, thanks! Here's the odd thing. My mom would go to parent teacher conferences and listen to how well behaved I am and she would wonder - who is my daughter sending to school in her place??

    CD, I'll admit, I had to Google Dark & Stormies. I'm intrigued...

  10. I am googling Dark & Stormies too!