Thursday, December 10, 2009

Is that a weasel in your pocket?

Wait a minute. We have to do this right. Go back and read the title again, but with a flirty suggestive breathy voice. "Is that a (pause) weeaasel in your pocket...?" The response would be "Yes missss, and it's llloaded."

There, now you're getting it. Came across this story a while back and had to save it. You know me and strange animal stories, it's like a fetish or something. Although if I had dangly parts I wouldn't be sticking something down there that could take a chunk out of it.

t's one thing for shoplifters to hide plunder in their pants. But a live ferret? Police said a homeless man in north Florida did just that. And he made it out the door before being challenged.
A 17-year-old witness confronted (the homeless man) in the parking lot and was bitten by the animal after the man allegedly shoved it in the teen's face.
That confrontation makes the ferret a "special weapon" under Florida law. So (homeless man) also faces battery charges for dangerously wielding the animal.

See what I mean! It bit that kids FACE. And what the fuck does a homeless guy need with a ferret anyway?

And think about the whole "special weapon" thing the next time you taunt a woman with your trouser snake.

(Authors note: Do not start lecturing me on the differences between weasels and ferrets. I'm on my 4th glass of wine and weasel just seemed to flow better.)

P.S. Brian Kelly, enjoy the money because you've kissed off all hopes of another winning season!!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Scrooge you too!

December is a stressful enough time of the year and right now I’m at least 2 weeks behind in, well, just about everything.

I haven’t even started my Christmas cards. I have gifts that need wrapped. Which, at work we “adopted” a nearby school that 90 some percent of the kids families are living at or below poverty level (and that was before the economy tanked.) I have to have that gift wrapped and delivered by Monday. So I might as well wrap the whole pile while I have all the paper and ribbons and shit out. I still have 4 gift cards I need to buy. I need to make 11 pounds of fudge, 3 batches of caramel corn (I used to make popcorn balls, but I can’t get the damn things to come out right since I got my flat top stove), 4 batches of no-bake cookies AND buy containers to pack all that shit in. Not to mention the crap I need to make to take to various holiday parties over the next several weeks. You’re probably wondering why I have to make all this stuff. Between my mom, my sister and my MIL you’d think one of them could figure some of these recipes out. But nooooo, they tell me my fudge is the creamiest, my no-bake cookies are the awesome-ist (which is true) and my caramel corn is just like grandpa used to make. They can never get it to taste as good as mine. Since this is the only flattery I get my head swells so big that I can't think straight and once again I get suckered into making it all.

Also happening this week, my dad has a birthday. He’s still telling everyone he’ll be 39, but really he’s turning 60. So we’re all supposed to go out to dinner Saturday. And I still haven’t found the perfect birthday card. My 18 year old nephew flew in from Oklahoma for a visit and is staying with my parents – but he’ll probably end up here a couple of nights this week. My 12 year wedding anniversary is also this weekend. There was an argument on Sunday that put that milesonte in serious jeopardy. I got in my car and drove 35 minutes to my parent’s house for a visit and still had steam coming out of my ears when I got there.

What with everything that I’ve got going on I said fuck decorating. That’s right. Get over it people. And (spoiler alert) there’s no Santa Claus anyway and I don’t have kids to appreciate the effort. It’s not that I don’t have decorations. I have a whole shitload of decorations. What I don’t have is the time or motivation to dig them all out and set them up. And don’t even get me started on the putting away of the decorations.

Now that I’ve set the background for you, you can understand on Sunday when my mom asked “Do you want a Christmas village set?” why I went a little bonkers. At some point during my tirade of “Are you freakin’ kidding me? Hell no, I don’t want any damn Christmas village! Why does everyone have to get on my ass about not decorating?” Around this time I realized the look on my mom’s face was reminiscent of that time I got caught smoking in the bathroom at school. So I quickly ended with “Oh, but thanks for asking.” Good save, right?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Can I get a Ritalin here? Anyone??

I meant to post on Thanksgiving Eve, but things happened and I didn't get to it. So, for an update - the dog's in remission for now. I got my stitches out (after getting in trouble for not wearing the annoying splint.) I didn't have to cook for Thanksgiving (thanks Mom!) With the exception of gift cards, all of my Christmas shopping is done. And this evening my internet connection is up.

Seems like everything's getting better. Well, except the weather. And I really can't gripe too much. It's been so warm around here though that it doesn't even seem like Christmas is just around the corner. I will wait until the day after Christmas before I start griping about snow. Maybe.

So, Bestie was trying to get one of those HP laptops that Walmart had on sale. Of course, they probably only had 5 so she didn't manage to get one on Black Friday. Then she tried to buy one on-line (price went up) but they were out of them. Being that I get a discount on computers I told her I'd see what kind of deal I could get her. I swear I've spent 16 hours going through different configurations and sending them to her. I think she's finally settled on one, and I know I'll have to go over and help her set it up. But that's ok, she does a ton of stuff for me so that isn't the real problem.

See, this made me finally get off the fence and order MYSELF a new laptop. And a netbook. So the Captain and I won't be fighting over the crappy laptop he hogs all the time. Should be a good thing, right? But nooooo, now I have to do something about the electronics that seem to be multiplying like rabbits around here. It's going well as I'm sure you can tell by the fact that I'm writing a blog post instead of actually copying files off the 9 year old desktop onto this one.

I don't know what my problem is, but I just keep putting this off. I'm fairly certain that it's been over a year since I turned the damn thing on. I even bought a 1TB external drive to make it easier but I'd rather someone just poke me in the eye with a sharp stick.