Monday, May 18, 2009

ADD Stories, oh boy

First off, I know I’ve been a major slacker on posting. I’ve been lurking and leaving the occasional comment but not getting any writing down. I’ve had stories, just no method of recording them at the time.

For example, there was a great post titled ‘What a Bitch!’ about a police department that was considering laying off one of its canine cops due to the economy. See, they have two K9’s. The one under consideration for getting the axe is the older, female employee. The younger male would be retained. That bitch needs a lawyer! Sex and age discrimination all in one so they can save a lousy $16,000 per year (estimated upkeep, cause you know they ain’t actually paying her shit! Wait a minute, my dog is a spoiled baby and seems to need something surgical at least every other year and he doesn't cost that much. Obviously someone is scamming these dogs out of their hard earned kibble.) I guess it is a dog-eat-dog world. Hahaha. Maybe we should send them Donn’s recent post, I’m sure they’ll reconsider their choice.

Oh, and then there was the post about the ‘The Depression is Over!’ I’ve gotten two, yes, count ‘em, TWO credit card offers in the mail the past few days. I’m telling you, it’s a sign. By the Fourth of July we’ll all be cruising in shiny Hummers, fishing around in our new Coach bags for once again disdained pennies to toss at hookers. Not that I’ve ever tossed pennies at hookers. Seriously, don’t go telling stories on me.

And the really funny post called ‘Thanks for Making Me Look Like a Big Fat Cow!’ about a recent shopping trip with Captain Clueless. I know the men will take his side, good intentions and all that. But I am never taking that man clothes shopping with me again. Half the shirts he picked out were borderline too tight to start out with. He was getting upset because I wouldn’t buy anything he picked out, so I had to. Does he have an image stuck in his head of me 10 years younger and 20 pounds lighter or what? Has he even looked at me in the last 5 years? We get home and I put one of the shirts so he could see the issue. Mmm, look how it hugs that fat roll. Verrry attractive. I think this shirt needs to go back. And what does he say? IT LOOKS FINE. I kid you not. This man actually would let me leave the house that way. Good thing the economy is picking up so I can afford a divorce lawyer.

I’m not making any promises about posting frequency, but I’ll try to be better. I knew the warm weather would make things tough, but I’m even getting hate mail from the library about my books being overdue. I’m sorry, but they are NOT getting Nuclear Jellyfish back until I squeak out enough time to read it. The good news is that I have lots going on that should provide plenty of entertainment. I have a new critter living in the back yard – the dog hasn’t located and crushed him yet. I bought a new bike to work on the fat roll so maybe I can fit in one of those shirts eventually (hey, a bike was cheaper than an attorney.) Keep in mind that me and coordination have a love/hate relationship. And I'm combining diet pills with Vitamin water which may or may not have anything to do with this whacked out post. Lastly, the wedding is coming up on 6/6/09. That’s the first time I actually paid attention to the date that way. Hmm, six sixty niner! Ok, time to take my inner teenage boy off to fold laundry.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Who says I don't know fashion

I survived the birthday parties and am almost recovered from the bachelorette party. Whew, what a crazy couple of weeks! The bad news, damn softball leagues start tonight. And all the girls have been bugging texting me to haul my sorry ass out there. 8:45 game time. Don't they understand that I'm a busy person with important things to do. I mean damn, people, Fringe is on tonight.

The colors for the upcoming tragedy nuptials are light blue and dark blue. The bride to be spent a lot of time and money buying costume jewlery for the girls in the wedding (not me, thanks for small favors!) - so they all have this color combination in earrings, bracelets and necklaces.

I dragged Little Miss Perfect out to a *ah-hem* "novelty" store to shop for an appropriate bachelorette offering. I found the most perfect, color coordinated gift EVER!