Friday, January 23, 2009

Is it wrong to take a hit out on my dentist?

I’ve been dealing with the whole broken tooth thing. The “temporary” they put on it is small, so it looks a bit odd (Captain Clueless calls me baby tooth) – but my dentist was being cautious and didn’t want me to break off more of the remaining tooth until he got it all fixed up. While I was dealing with this, I figured I might as well get my other 3 veneers replaced. They are supposed to last 8 to 10 years, mine were pushing 20. (If you don’t know what a veneer is read here. I fall in the ‘small gap tooth’ category.)

I went to the dentist at 7 fucking a.m. expecting to get my permanent crown on my “baby tooth” and I expected a chemical/tool combo of some sort to get rid of the old veneers, to be replaced by temps until the new ones came in. Then off to work I’d go.

My first warning should have been when the assistant asked if I wanted novocain. “Will I need it?” I stupidly asked. “Oh yeah,” she replied.

My 2 front teeth (top) are mine. Two on each side of those are veneered (one of those is the broke ass one.) The novocain went into the very sensitive gum line in the top front of my mouth. I’m not a wimpy person but these fucking shots made me cry. I don’t wear waterproof mascara, so there went ‘blackish brown’ streaks down my temples. This should have been a warning, but no, I sucked it up and carried on.

The sadistic bastard then drilled off the veneers and god knows what else. I felt most of it. I really wished I’d gotten nitrous at this point, but I didn’t want to seem like a pussy so I soldiered on. After 30 minutes of this shit, they tell me they have to insert rods or some such bullshit in my gums. I thought I was too far gone to care.

I was wrong. This shit was bad. It was worse than the pain when my knee bent in the wrong direction. My hands were clenched together to keep from punching him in the face. And his cute little assistant. More tears. Somehow I survived it. Then the CLA and another S&M bitch start taking molds. Two of them (green) had to be left in 5 minutes to set. My bottom lip sealed to one of them and when CLA tried to pull it out I almost lost it. I carefully peeled my lip off of it and allowed her to proceed. The next time (with the whole fat, numb upper lip and everything) I had drool dripping down all over my chin. Wonderful.

Now, the S&MB starts taking molds for my temps. My gums are already swollen to twice their normal size, and my upper lip at least four times. She says ‘We don’t normally put temps on for veneers, but I guess you wanted them. (no shit) They’re going to be very fragile so you should avoid biting into things and nothing chewy. The veneers are made in Florida so it will be about 3 weeks for them to come in.” WTF??? Ok, I’m a positive person (NOT) so I thought, maybe this will help me lose weight.

Luckily I stopped in their bathroom on the way to the receptionist. I cleaned up the mascara mess. And the remains of the green molding stuff that was all over my face. The streak under my nose that looked like a booger was a pleasant bonus. AND the baby tooth is still a fucking baby tooth. Then I charged you don’t even want to know how much on my Capital One card for this. Am I the one with a problem??

Back in the car, I tried to take a drink of water and it dribbled all over the front of me. Then I tried to smoke, but couldn’t get my fat upper lip to cooperate. So I said fuck this and stopped at a donut shop and bought an apple fritter that was as big as a dinner plate and a chocolate donut (I so deserved both.)

While some of my twisted co-workers may have enjoyed my completely trashed state, I said fuck it and went home with my donuts. I emailed my boss that I was FUBAR for the day and snarfed donuts and chocolate milk (through a straw stuffed to the back of my mouth.) When the novocain wore off I dosed myself with vicoden the rest of the day.

When I go back for the rest of the dental work, I am so demanding nitrous. I don’t care what they say, I already paid an arm and two legs so at least I should get a good buzz out of this shit.


  1. OMG~ what dentist do you use? That is freaking CRAZY! It is not you, those people are nuts! I am a recovering dental phobe and I cannot imagine going through what you did! I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I go to Dr. McConnell in Kettering. I have had several crowns done and NO pain whatsoever. Dr. O'Hara, who used to be in practice with him, is wonderful too. As a matter of fact, I think I am going to go to her at her new practice. They also mill the crowns right in the office, so I leave with the real deal.

  2. I may have to share my story about my ingrown toenail-ectomy. When I have calmed down some. Maybe.

    You were tortured. Plain and simple.

  3. I just love the label "It's friday so i was drunk when i wrote this" :))))

  4. When you go back in, let them know President Obama outlawed this shit. Take an Army Field Manual with you if you have to.

  5. Dentist stuff is crazy painful and everybody is just like, "Oh, it's just teeth," but it hurts. Bad. I'm so sorry you had to go through this -- I think it's worse when you're not expecting it. But listen, I could tell you stories ...

  6. I actually like my dentist. Well, used to anyway. I'm reserving judgement for the final results on 2/11 (let the count down begin!)

  7. Yikes, I have to go next week...I have toe nail stories too...they do not mix with my cooking right what our parents used to do, tie a piece of string to the tooth and then to the door knob...and you know the rest!

    I still haven't found that baby tooth from when I was seven...

  8. This made me wince so much I couldn't actually read to the end of the post. You are soooo much braver than I am.

  9. Does anyone have a gentle dentist? I think not...

  10. I have a very gentle dentist, and I'm glad. Each room even has a TV you can put on your favorite show (not that I'm ever home enough to watch TV, dammit.)

    Girlfriend. You made me hurt with that story.

  11. Ohhh

    That sucks. I hate the dentist.

    Did you ever see Little Shop of Horrors? They had the whole dentist thing right now.