Glutton

As a kid, birthdays were not that big of a deal. It probably had to do with the fact that my brother, my sister and myself were born within 8 days of each other (+2 years, + 7 years.) There was also an aunt, uncle and cousin thrown in April just for good measure.

With all that going on, there wasn't a lot of personal attention on your special day. How I managed to marry a guy whose birthday is the day after mine is a mystery. Plus his dad's birthday, and his brother's (40 this year!) all in the latter part of the month.

So mid-April through the end is a never ending whirlwind of dinners, lunches, cakes, cupcakes, ice cream and even donuts. To top all this off, the big bang this year is a bachlorette party Saturday night.

And what follows April? Swim suit season. Arrrgh!

Talk Like Shakespeare Day

Tis as well thus (or tis it this?)



(Grrr, damn html errors)

I'm off to buy duct tape

I have about 10 minutes until my husband is going to "force" me to watch a special about Micheal Vick's former dogs. The ones that were able to be adopted. Which is just going to piss me off all over again. I still think he should be put in a cage with one that's been deemed unfit (and therefore will be put to sleep) with nothing but his claws and teeth to defend himself. Bastard.

So on that note, here's another amusing story from the AP:

...23-year-old Frasure was convicted of felony theft in 2008 and recently released from prison.

During the hearing, Frasure made repeated outbursts and ignored the judge's orders to refrain from interrupting the court. The judge then ordered bailiffs to silence Frasure.

The Idaho State Journal reported that bailiffs found a roll of duct tape, tore off a piece and put it over his mouth.

Now that I know this is an acceptable solution I'm going to have to get a holster and quick dispenser for my duct tape.

Natural selection, foiled again

Our society probably made this thing so fool proof that it was impossible for him to take himself out during this escapade:

Police arrested a 38-year-old man who allegedly stole a forklift on Wednesday morning and hit a street sign and a telephone pole during a slow joyride. The man is due in court next month. Authorities said after the vehicle ran out of gas, the man sought treatment at a local hospital for alcohol and drug intoxication.

He was charged with with possession of a stolen vehicle and theft over $10,000.

Police also said he had no proof of insurance and his driver's license had expired.

A story about something that turned into a rant about something else

I've been skimming headlines, looking for interesting stories when I'm really supposed to be paying the bills. Going through the mail and bills annoys me to no end. First I have to sort out all the obvious junk, pull off anything with identification to shred (because I'm completely paranoid about identity theft.)

Then I look through all the coupon fliers, and they end up pissing me off. Why are the coupons for families of 8? What are my husband and I supposed to do with an extra large specialty pizza and a medium (but it's only .99!) plus dessert? There's two of us, and we don't manage to finish up a medium pie even with help from the dog. And what the hell would I do with a 15 piece bucket of chicken, I wonder?

Now I get down to sorting letters. How many places are still sending you "free" gifts and a guilt trip? Oh yes, dear ASPCA - I admire what you do. And I'll send you another check as soon as you remove my name from all the other lists you sold me out to. I can't save every creature and I don't want to see any more sad faced polar bears, mountain lions, lemurs or koala's.

One good thing has come out of this shitty economy, there's not a single credit card offer in the whole pile.

Any other positives? My husband's IRA actually made money this past month. AND I have a birthday coming up so most of my favorite stores are sending me $10 gift cards or coupons. I'm not thrilled about the birthday - I've tried to give them up ever since 30 rolled around - but I've got a major shopping jones building up.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, headlines. I came across this story in my attempts to do anything besides deal with the mail:

Police say a man posing as a waiter collected $186 in cash from diners at two restaurants in New Jersey and walked out with the money in his pocket.

Diners described the bogus waiter as a spikey-haired 20-something wearing a dark blue or black button-down shirt, yellow tie and khaki pants.

Police say he approached two women dining at Hobson's Choice in Hoboken, N.J. around 7:20 p.m. on Thursday. He asked if they needed anything else before paying. They said no and handed him $90 in cash.

About two hours later he approached three women dining at Margherita's Pizza and Cafe. He asked if they were ready to pay, took $96 and never returned with their change.

Wow! This generation gets so much bad press - a bunch of texting, video gaming, whining slackers. This kid has it going on. Initiative, creativity, dressing for success. I just hope he used part of the money to pay the back rent he owed his mom.

Why, why, WHY?

It's somewhere around 20 hours since I've had a smoke. I haven't killed anyone. Yet. Damn, I shoulda bought some pretzel rods.

Incendiary fruit

I knew my husband was a picky eater when we got married. In the last 11 years I’ve learned that I really didn't have a clue.

During one of our weekly grocery excursions he asks me about juice. The kind that helps you ‘stay regular.’ I said he was probably thinking of prune juice or something like that. We head down the juice aisle and he starts looking at labels. This is the guy whose entire fruit intake was a daily shot of Sunny Delight when we got married, and he thought he was getting actual vitamins from it. It took me 2 years to switch him from 5% crap to 100% actual orange juice. Sighing, I start looking at prices and...

(slightly out of focus, dreamy replay) Hoodchick’s at the kitchen counter preparing holiday goodies. Captain Clueless walks into the room.

CC: What’s that smell? (makes a face as if he just checked the bottom of his shoe and discovered he stepped in dog shit)

HC: (Sniffing the air) What smell? I don’t smell anything.

CC: You can’t smell that? It’s horrible! Like death.

HC: You’re on crack, there’s no smell. Wait a minute, is this what you’re talking about? (holds strainer full of crushed pineapple near him)

CC: Yes, that’s it! That’s disgusting.

HC: You’ve. Never. Had. Pineapple. Seriously, just get out of my kitchen.


Cut to summertime, Hoodchick’s sitting at the table digging into a slice of watermelon. Enter the scurvy husband.

CC: Eating your watermelon huh.

HC: Mmmm-hmmmm.

CC: What’s it taste like?

HC: (Slightly choking) Are you telling me you’ve never had watermelon?

CC: Huh-uh.

HC: Sigh. (How to explain the taste of watermelon? It’s sweet and juicy and a little slice of heaven on a sweltering day.) Try some.

CC: (Takes bite. Makes face like he’s just bitten into a Sulphur Bertie Bott Jelly Bean, starts searching for a place to spit it out.) Ewww!

(End replay)

I’m the first to admit that I don’t love every fruit ever grown, but I do love me a lotta them. I kind of figured it goes back to the baby stage. Everyone knows the jars of peaches, tutti fruiti, bananas and pears were the best. Spoon up some peas or green beans to a tot and you’d better have an apron on because you’re likely going to get it back. So I’m trying to figure out, what the hell did his mom feed him as a baby? Tiny jars of sausage gravy? Pureed pork chops?

Back to reality and the grocery store. He settles on a bottle of prune juice. The label screams things like "For Digestive Help" and "Extra with fiber." Sure, I could have warned him but really, after the flashbacks I figured he'd taste it and never touch it again.

So, the juice makes it home, gets put in the fridge and forgotten until the other evening. He gets it out and reads the label, “Drink 8oz 4-5 times a week.” He gets a glass and pours some “Is this 8 ounces?” I shrug even though it looks like a lot more to me. (One thing you should know about me, I can’t eyeball measure stuff. Is that board 8 feet or 10 feet long? Don’t ask me. I always use measuring spoons and cups. Tape measures. Odometers. And he KNOWS this, but still asks me shit like this.) So, he drinks. I wait. No yucky face, just a thoughtful “That’s not bad.”

Fast forward to the following evening. I get home from work. Captain Clueless tells me “Well, that stuff works. This morning I got to work and it was like” making faces like he can’t figure out the right word, eventually settles on “explosive.”

Sorry honey, that was sympathetic laughter that exploded from me.

Wii bit of controversy

Last night we finally found the time to play with the Wii Fit that I had to order on line because the stores still never have them around here.

We started out with the setup. A little background, I am clumsy as hell. I'm always running into things, falling down, and constantly have bruises but no clue where they came from - and this is sober! Another thing, I have a job where I sit on my arse all day and I've been lax about exercising beyond walking the dog. So I figured I was pretty much going to be screwed on this thing.

I went first, and did a surprisingly good job on the balance test. It said my BMI was in normal range (?). Then it gave me my Wii age (which, if you don't know is what everyone is bitching about, google it and you'll get about 123 million results.) Mine was -1 from my real age! Woo-hoo!

Next up, Captain Clueless. His background, he has a somewhat phsyical job and he plays softball in the spring, summer and fall. In the winter they go to an indoor place and hit a couple times a month. Also, we're the same age. Ok, I'm a day older. I know, cradle robber. It came back with his BMI being too high, and plumped his Mii out. His age? (Drumroll) +17! Man was he pissed to be in his 50s.

Then he starts bitching that he's really 6', not the 5'11" that I put in for him (which is horseshit) and that he's in way better shape than me and the thing's a piece of crap, blah, blah, blah.

We did the Yoga and Strength Training sets to start out. Our rankings came out about even (I completely sucked at the tree pose, and tried to cheat on the push-up plank thing.) Regardless, the work out kicked both of our asses. I really expected it to be cheesy, but I was out of breath and today I'm sore. I guess that means it works. The bad thing is you have to use it one at a time. But I hope he sticks with it with me, I think the Yoga moves will help with his bad back.

Chantix update:
Could be worse I guess. I expected to have the dream/nightmare problems but so far none of that. The worse is the naseau (which comes and goes,) gas and bloating. I'm trying to eat smaller meals so the bloating isn't as bad but there have been a couple of days where I could barely button my pants and I felt like I'd explode if someone stuck a pin in my belly. I ate a 6" subway sandwich and a 100 calorie bag of Cheese-its and I felt like I'd just gorged Thanksgiving style.

Damn Monday

Well my roadrunner is down to top off this crappy Monday. I tried to download a mobile blog
posting app but can't get registered yet. If I was stuck at
The doctor or something this might be cool,but I'm at home so
Using this tiny keyboard sucks. Don't start on me about the capitalization
issues,I haven't figured out cursor placement yet. I hate you Time Warner!!!

Zombies ate my brain

Not literally but it has felt like it lately. For someone who doesn't have much of a social life, I sure haven't been home a lot. However, my neglect shouldn't continue much longer. I just got my Blackberry Storm. So if I can figure out how to use all the crap on it I will soon be posting on the go - woo hoo. At least now I can read blogs while at work (actually that's a joke, I can barely find time to use the bathroom at work.)

I've officially done more work helping my friend with her wedding preperation than I spent on my own. Which isn't saying much because my mom and sister did most of the work for mine. If it had been up to me we'd have had immediate family and a preacher. But NOOOO they wanted a church wedding so I figured they could damn well deal with it.

About the most interesting thing is that I'm on day 2 of my Chantix prescription. I had it sitting around for a while, but didn't want to start taking it while I was still suffering through the virus from hell. Then I made the mistake of googling Chantix side effects and it scared the crap out of me. Go ahead and check it out, I'll wait.

Am I right? Lawsuits, depression, nightmares - the list goes on and on.

So far I have the nausea and sleeplessness. My doc recommended I wait until being on it for 2 weeks before I quit smoking. So the countdown begins. This should be fun, and I'm totally blaming any craziness that goes on here on the meds.