Wednesday, May 19, 2010

And whose idea was this detox program anyway?

I know what you're thinking - Hoodchick and detox? Oh wow, did she go into rehab? Hell no! I'm a little off my rocker but definitely not that far gone.

I came up with this brilliant idea that Bestie and I should do a detox program. And she's enough of a sucker to go along with it. Basically you mix some noxious concoction up with 32 oz of water. You drink one of these every day for 7 days. And it cleanses all the toxins from your system. Well, except for the booze and cigarettes and stuff. Sounds like a good idea, get all the bad stuff out of your body, right?

Let's just say it's not a pleasant experience. When you have to go, you have to go. And I mean right now. Sitting in a meeting with your boss? So sorry, I need to leave. I know you're talking about company strategy and all, but I have some toxins ready to explode from me.

Taking your dog for a nice, long hike through the woods? Oh crap. Literally. Hope that wasn't poison ivy. Feeling embarrassed for me? Don't be. Thankfully I stayed out of the woods that week!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Grow up already!

Back in September, LMP served my BIL with divorce papers. I was a little upset, but could understand if you’re not happy and you feel like you need to move on, then I respect that decision. I was bummed out about what it means for Mini-J. But hey, what kids today actually have parents who are still married?

I tried to stay neutral. But Switzerland can only take so much. As these things tend to do, it’s gotten ugly. Besides all the childish fighting (because they’re still in the same house and have to stay that way until it’s final) LMP keeps doing really shitty things to people that I care about.

Yeah, my BIL can be a real prick. But you’re leaving. So stop hiding things from each other (from laptops to flat irons) and act like you’re the adults. Hearing about the things you’re doing in front of your kid just makes EVERYONE think you’re dumb asses.
Yes, my BIL has met someone else. Get over it. Who knows who you’ve been screwing, besides everyone seeing you (always in a bar) with men old enough to be your father. This was your decision. Sure, you thought he’d never find anyone and would live alone and be miserable for the rest of his life. Because, as we’ve established, you’re a dumb ass.

Back in February you had a tantrum because my BIL introduced his girlfriend to his family and friends. You called Bestie to get dirt. You even grilled my MIL for information, about her own son, that you then turned around and threatened him with. Do you even care how that made mom or Bestie feel? No, because you’re a dumb ass.

Bestie invited you to an Arbonne party (with wine tasting) tomorrow night. Because we’re still trying to stay out of things and maintain a relationship. But you had to go to my MIL and ask her if SHE wasn’t invited to the party, would she watch Mini-J for you? Well, you fucking bitch, how do you think that made her feel? I didn’t invite her because I know she doesn’t drink wine and I didn’t want her to feel obligated to buy over priced skin care products (and she would have bought some, I know without a doubt.) Was it your intention to hurt this woman who has never done anything to you? Besides babysit her grandson for free while you go out whoring around? Are you a spiteful, immature little bitch or just a dumb ass?

Do I feel better that I got this off of my chest? Yes. I hope it keeps me from spewing forth my opinion of your behavior to your face tomorrow night. BTW, LMP doesn’t stand for little miss perfect anymore…

Friday, April 9, 2010

Hoodchick's back and loaded

Ok, I haven't written for a really, really long time. I've had a bit of depression going on what with the crappy winter weather, cancer dog, bf's getting divorced, etc. But, some of my friends are totally ragging me so time to stop lurking and blossom back onto the scene, similar to the tulips brightening my flower beds. April showers, bah! I'm an April kid and there's nothing like April to pick up the spirits.

Where to start though - while you all might think I've been slacking I actually have been collecting an assortment of strange pictures, stories and things for your entertainment. Well, they entertained me. The thing that amazed me the most is the number of comments I had queued up to moderate. Some are crap, of course. Some are funny. And then there's this person that commented the following, I'll remind you, on a blog called "My Life Requires Alcohol":

"A profaned, offensive blog...yes, I know that one does not have to read it, right? Pardon me for accidentally visiting the page here and reading a sample of a life certain ones wish not to live of it. Have you drinking considered non-alcoholic beverages and feeding on less junk food?"

Well, I will admit that I just killed a bottle of French Maid Cab (my current favorite) but the FIRST time I read that comment I was stone cold sober and my first thought was "You speaka english?" closely followed by "Douchebag" - neither of which I think the commenter will appreciate. Is it just me, or should they learn to use their internet parental control on their own web access? And, BTW, Douchebag, I don't pardon you.

So, anyway, to catch you up:
Little Miss Perfect (LMP) couldn't live up to her own standards and filed for divorce from my BIL. Boy has this been fun, you're sure to see more posts about this, mostly how much I think they are mentally fucking up Mini-J...

Bestie has a new nickname of TSO - THE SLOW ONE. LOL, that is going to be a fun fun post when I fill in the last few weeks.

And my newest bestie - CB - Cranky Bitch, aka Manlicky, aka TBD. You know when you meet someone and it feels like you've known them FOREVER and can tell them anything (regardless of how much alcohol has been consumed) - that's CB.

So, stay tuned and I hope I live up to my own hype if I survive Captain Clueless' wrath about my jamming to Meatloaf's Bat Out Of Hell album for the last half hour. Jesus, what environment did he grow up in to not appreciate Bat Out Of Hell. Don't you know that I need you? You gotta know that I serve you. For crying out loud you know I love you!