Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Alternate endings, Take 1

Random conversation in the Clueless household

Captain Clueless: “You know those idiots that stole all that copper wiring from AT&T for five week’s in a row?”

Hoodchick: “Yes, I remember those dumbasses on the news. Like no one would notice and set up a sting.”

CC: “Well one of them plays for X.” (X substituted in place of the actual softball team name.)

HC: “No shit.”

CC: “Yeah, you know the blond guy that plays short stop?”

HC: “Not sure.”

CC: “You know, short, young blond guy. Plays short stop.”

HC: “I have no idea.”

At this point, a normal person would say something like, “Oh, well, you’d know him if you saw him.” Nooo.

CC: “YOU KNOW. THE SHORT. YOUNG. BLOND. GUY.”

Ending number 1 (which may happen depending on the cycle of the moon, how big of a dick CC’s been that day, or any other random female stereotype :)

HC: “What the fuck man. I said I don’t know who you’re talking about. Just repeating short, young and blond isn’t doing anything for me. You think I can remember all of these assholes you play ball with? Besides, that’s one of your frenemy teams and you hardly ever play them. If you said “You know the guy that always wears his shirts too small so his fat, disgusting, stretch marked gunt (btw, thanks for that word FADKOG!) hangs out for all to see?” Or “You know the guy that walks like he has a corn cob stuck up his ass?” Or even, “The 6’5” guy that weighs about 110lbs and has teeth like a meth-head?” These would be memorable traits. Otherwise, all those dicks are wearing matching hats, shirts and pants. You know, uniforms. They all fucking look alike to me. So what’s the fucking point here?”

CC: “You. are. such. a. fucking. bitch.” *silent treatment for the rest of the night*

Ending number 2:

HC: “Oh yeah, the short blond guy.” (eye-roll)

CC: “Yeah (chuckle,) what a fuck-tard” *and all is right in the world*

When your kids start asking you complex questions about when it’s ok to lie, feel free to use this as an example.

12 comments:

  1. Amen, lady. A-freakin'-men. Pick your battles, that's what I always say. This same program works when speaking with mothers and/or mothers-in-law and particularly boring coworkers.

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  2. You are a much nicer woman than me: I never say 'oh yeah' I always say: 'how many fucking times do I have to say no to the same fucking question?' or a variation thereof. I must learn to lie.

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  3. Haha. You're right about picking your battles. However, I wonder if a man would appreciate the wit present in ending number one? Eh, probably not.

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  4. HAHAHA!
    Ain't it the truth..as Bugs used to say,what a maroon!
    Oh these darn simple male brains, they really are a nuisance!
    HAHAHA!

    Now for the sudden cosmic collision where reality rears it's ugly head and the stark truth of the matter envelopes your entire being and crushes your soul...
    You picked him so it's your own damn fault!

    *heads for the hills

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  5. Men, you can't live with 'em, you can't kill 'em is what an old wise friend used to say!

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  6. Love it! Thanks for a great post and a belly-jiggling (not that it takes much, but still) chuckle.

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  7. Girl, you are so funny! I like the name fuck tard! LOL

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  8. I've just written the same reply on Rachel's blog.
    They're ALL the same honey!

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  9. You could always, as soon as he mentions another guy say, "The hot one? With the big...?" (Then he wouldn't want you to pay so much attention.)

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  10. HoodChick,After an incredibly mundane boring Friday I read your post and had a great laugh. Thanks for sharing your humor. As for our not so better 1/2s my eyes tend to glaze over and I just nod when he goes on about sports and his buddies.

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  11. "I don't know WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT."

    that should surely stop the conversation.

    I am laughing my ass off here........

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  12. You're hilarious!!! (But so rigggghhhhttt!

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