Friday, February 6, 2009

It's raining cats & dogs

Ok, so not yet. But the forecast around here is for freakishly high temperatures and rain. Which plays havoc with my migraines so I will be highly self medicated all weekend. This should be fun! Although I'm thinking my doc needs to up my standing darvoset prescription to something stronger.

Now, in honor of Marinka, who has been bragging about her perfect pussy, here's a story that makes me laugh no matter how many times I read it.

The dog vs. the cat
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so He is safe. For now.....


  1. That pretty much sums up how I feel about dogs vs. cats, but then I was nearly assassinated by a Maine Coon Cat who leveraged my allergies to try to do me in.

  2. Love it. I have 2 cats and they do contiue to vomit on the rugs - so not cute.

  3. This is hilarious. Dogs and cats sure do have different outlooks on life.

    Also, I heard that Darvoset is being taken off the market. You might have to switch drugs!!!

  4. That is some of the funniest shit EVER!

  5. Ha! I would like to think that was the difference between my husband and me, but I'm probably wrong.

  6. There's an award awaiting you at my blog, should you choose to accept it you have to write a post on some things you love. I thought your take on love would be an interesting one.

  7. I think if you swap out 'Dog' with 'My Youngest Son' and 'Cat' with 'My Oldest Son,' this would be like reading a Day In The Life Of Me post!

  8. The fact I have seen this before does not detract from it's being right, or impact on your audience... I have, and always will, have a cat and a dog... I need one to remember I am independent, and need the other to remember I need mindless love.

  9. This is truly, truly hysterical. Cats are such bitches.

  10. My fish don't piss on my carpet or chew on my furniture. If the get sick I flush them and the kids get excited because they get to buy a new one.

  11. I love dog passed away...wait here I go again with my Texas country songs...well, I keep pet friends around that harbor these fugitive aliens to amuse me...