Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Incendiary fruit

I knew my husband was a picky eater when we got married. In the last 11 years I’ve learned that I really didn't have a clue.

During one of our weekly grocery excursions he asks me about juice. The kind that helps you ‘stay regular.’ I said he was probably thinking of prune juice or something like that. We head down the juice aisle and he starts looking at labels. This is the guy whose entire fruit intake was a daily shot of Sunny Delight when we got married, and he thought he was getting actual vitamins from it. It took me 2 years to switch him from 5% crap to 100% actual orange juice. Sighing, I start looking at prices and...

(slightly out of focus, dreamy replay) Hoodchick’s at the kitchen counter preparing holiday goodies. Captain Clueless walks into the room.

CC: What’s that smell? (makes a face as if he just checked the bottom of his shoe and discovered he stepped in dog shit)

HC: (Sniffing the air) What smell? I don’t smell anything.

CC: You can’t smell that? It’s horrible! Like death.

HC: You’re on crack, there’s no smell. Wait a minute, is this what you’re talking about? (holds strainer full of crushed pineapple near him)

CC: Yes, that’s it! That’s disgusting.

HC: You’ve. Never. Had. Pineapple. Seriously, just get out of my kitchen.

Cut to summertime, Hoodchick’s sitting at the table digging into a slice of watermelon. Enter the scurvy husband.

CC: Eating your watermelon huh.

HC: Mmmm-hmmmm.

CC: What’s it taste like?

HC: (Slightly choking) Are you telling me you’ve never had watermelon?

CC: Huh-uh.

HC: Sigh. (How to explain the taste of watermelon? It’s sweet and juicy and a little slice of heaven on a sweltering day.) Try some.

CC: (Takes bite. Makes face like he’s just bitten into a Sulphur Bertie Bott Jelly Bean, starts searching for a place to spit it out.) Ewww!

(End replay)

I’m the first to admit that I don’t love every fruit ever grown, but I do love me a lotta them. I kind of figured it goes back to the baby stage. Everyone knows the jars of peaches, tutti fruiti, bananas and pears were the best. Spoon up some peas or green beans to a tot and you’d better have an apron on because you’re likely going to get it back. So I’m trying to figure out, what the hell did his mom feed him as a baby? Tiny jars of sausage gravy? Pureed pork chops?

Back to reality and the grocery store. He settles on a bottle of prune juice. The label screams things like "For Digestive Help" and "Extra with fiber." Sure, I could have warned him but really, after the flashbacks I figured he'd taste it and never touch it again.

So, the juice makes it home, gets put in the fridge and forgotten until the other evening. He gets it out and reads the label, “Drink 8oz 4-5 times a week.” He gets a glass and pours some “Is this 8 ounces?” I shrug even though it looks like a lot more to me. (One thing you should know about me, I can’t eyeball measure stuff. Is that board 8 feet or 10 feet long? Don’t ask me. I always use measuring spoons and cups. Tape measures. Odometers. And he KNOWS this, but still asks me shit like this.) So, he drinks. I wait. No yucky face, just a thoughtful “That’s not bad.”

Fast forward to the following evening. I get home from work. Captain Clueless tells me “Well, that stuff works. This morning I got to work and it was like” making faces like he can’t figure out the right word, eventually settles on “explosive.”

Sorry honey, that was sympathetic laughter that exploded from me.


  1. That is hilarious. I work with a woman who has a husband that won't eat normal food. His tastes never evolved after 1st grade. His favorite meal is hot dogs and macaroni and cheese. He always thinks she is trying to poison him when she cooks, asking what is in there? Sometimes she sneaks a vitamin or a nutrient into his dinner without his knowing.

  2. OH my goodness! That is just too funny! I can't believe he does not like watermelon but will drink prune juice! Go figure...;-)

  3. I guess after the "explosion"...Captain Clueless was no longer clueless, on this subject anyway.

  4. omg. that's awesome. does he read this?

  5. I once knew a guy who ate only french fries. Seriously. Three couples went out to dinner. Everyone else has steaks and salads and veggies and the whole she-bang. He orders a double order of fries.

    Probably needed that juice for a chaser.

  6. Hahaha explosive! My hubby is the same way, what is with them?

  7. Bwahahahhaahahaha;

    "what the hell did his mom feed him as a baby? Tiny jars of sausage gravy? Pureed pork chops?"

    When my nephew was a baby my Sister caught me in the kitchen licking the inside of the baby food pear fruit jar.

  8. Okay, you just made me actually laugh out loud. "The scurvy husband," it is absolutely brilliant!

  9. This is just like my husband, only with onions. All things onion. If we go somewhere to eat and one sliver of onion has touched his food, he swears he can phantom taste it, and will proceed to make faces of disgust with every bite he takes. It's annoying in a purely endearing way. Mostly an annoying way. Me? I love onions. I cook with them still. If he wants to pluck every miniscule onion nugget out, far be it from me to stop him...even though I want to.

  10. ohhohoho!! Welcome to the world of fruit! What a beginning!!

  11. That man must have been badly constipated. Have you ever timed him when he's gone for a crap?

  12. My husband is the same. The man doesn't eat fruit for vegetables. It's drives me a bit crazy.

    Prune juice? I don't think I would even drink that stuff.

  13. That's funny! It took me 40 years to actually like V-8 juice...

  14. I know, it's weird. He eats very few vegetables either, you'd think he would have been stopped up all the time. I really don't know what possessed him to try this, he must have been reading something on the web that made him think he needed it.

    He read this on occassion, I'm sure I'll hear about it if he catches this one!

  15. Yep in my line of work I have met all kinds! My hubby will not eat ground beef unless I lie and say I had it freshly ground from the finest chopped up cow out there, and no french fries, but he drinks juice more than he really should!

  16. Oh Wow! That was funny!

    My wife has a friend whose idea of taking a salad to someone's house is a bowl of green M&Ms with some red ones thrown in for "tomatoes." I kid you not...this woman actually did that.

    Supposedly she eats nothing green. Says the cows and pigs did that for her.