Anti-thanks

Because life’s been force feeding me a big soggy shit sandwich lately, I’m going to lead up to the holiday with a series of suck lists. Hopefully you’re not dealing with these kind of things so YOU can give extra thanks at my expense.

Things it sucks to have to do with your non-dominant hand (due to surgery on the “good” one – which if it was that good it wouldn’t have needed surgery, now would it???)

• Opening anything – this includes bottles of vicodin, bags of chips, bottles of beer
• Brushing or flossing your teeth
• Anything to do with below-shoulder-length hair
• Tying shoes
• Fastening a bra – or pants
• Trying to hold an umbrella and smoke at the same time - thanks for finally sending some rain this way, beeyotch!
• Turning the ignition of your car - thankfully my current car isn’t a stick shift
• Cutting yourself a piece of chocolate ice-cream cake your BFF was kind enough to contribute to your recovery
• Cleaning – ok, I know that cleaning always sucks but do you know how many square inches of scrubbing you can do before your non-dom arm feels like a rubber band??
• Filling in paper work at the physical therapists office. Seriously people?!
• Folding laundry
• Carrying something into a dark room - no, finding and flipping light switches with my nose is not on my skills list
• Inserting feminine hygiene products - ‘nuff said

Happy Halloweenie!

I know I've been slacking off again, but we're having a bit of indian summer here and you know I'm a fair weather friend. I'm too lazy to look it up, where did the term indian summer come from anyway? Is it offensive to our native american friends? You know, because I strive to be totally PC.

Back on topic. So, my sister sent me an obnoxious text of a guy with a mask on his lap and his male member sticking out, sort of wiggling around. Happy Halloweenie! it declared. I guffawed. I was going to share it, but then I downloaded an update to my phone Wednesday and the message went poof. Dammit.

I know what you're thinking - it's Friday so Hoodchick's obviously composing one of her drunk posts. You're right of course. But here's the thing - last Friday got a little wild, so tonight I'm sipping some pinot noir, nibbling some cheese and crackers, and catching up on my blog reading. How bad could last Friday have been? Let's just say that Bestie and I should not be allowed to do shots together. Ever. Again. Especially after her birthday party over the summer (hey, your BFF only turns 31 once, right?) Anyway, so last Friday it was amazing enough that we got the hubs to go out, but at some point someone mentioned titty bars. There's still a very heated debate about who that someone was. And someone else (cough cough) was hammered enough to say "I've never been to a titty bar." The rest, as they say, is history. Bestie's lucky, her memory of the night is a lot spottier than mine.

So, with the temperature up in the 80 degree (F) area - Bestie and I took the dogs out for a hike and then I came home to chill. Tomorrow's errand day, then trick-or-treat for the kiddies. I bought a big 120 piece bag of mixed candy bars. Captain Clueless is telling the dog that I better give away the crappy stuff first.
"Like what?" I asked.
"The Almond Joys."
"Hey! I like the Almond Joys."
"Yeah, but you don't need them."

A sudden end to indian summer.

Gimme a beat

The whole diet thing isn’t working out for me. I just can’t give up the booze and chocolate, and then those bastards at Krispy Kreme have the crack donuts back on the shelves.


So, exercise it is. I’m getting a little tired of the same old music on the iPod and decided to hit iTunes for some new stuff. Looking for upbeat, dance type music that will motivate me to get off my ass. Have you heard the crap passing for music these days? Let’s just take a peek at the top of the charts.

1 – Miley Cyrus. Nuff said.
2 – Fireflies. Lyrics (I kid you not): Cause I get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs as they try to teach me how to dance.
This is worse than the shitty music on the hybrid car commercials (you know, with people as the landscape.)
3 – Meet Me Halfway. I dig the Peas, but this is a bit mellow.
4 – 3. No, that’s not a mistake on my numbering. Britney couldn’t come up with a better name or lyrics for that matter.
5 – Whatcha Say. Whatcha say, whatcha say, whatcha say. I say your song sucks.
6 – Down. Ok, slow pathetically sappy rap song. Next…
7 – Replay. No idea what in the hell this guy is saying. Techno Jamaican music maybe?
8 – Paparazzi. I’ve got some GaGa. Even if I didn’t think this song sucked, her performances would have made me hate it. Creeee-py.
9 – I Gotta Feeling. Still not feeling it from this song, and it’s pretty overplayed overplayed overplayed (and repetitive.)
10 – Who Says. Seriously, John Fucking Mayer?

Don’t even get me started on the Top 10 Videos. I get the Justin Bierber shit, because you people give your kids way too much allowance. But have you seen the video for She Wolf? What the fuck? It’s like a horrible half naked mime show or something.

Oh yeah, and if you’re going to redo a song like ‘Should I stay or should I go’, it shouldn’t suck.

Screw it, I’m going to finish off those donuts.

This is sure to get someone's goat

How long do you think it will take for PETA to get bug up their arse about this?


ANDOVER, Mass.— A Boston suburb has some new landscapers that will work for food _ a half-dozen goats clearing and maintaining an overgrown public meadow.

Under a pilot program in Andover, Lucy McKain's dairy goats will rotate their grazing around the meadow for an all-you-can-eat buffet of grass, brush and other growth. The goats can clear as much as a half acre every three days at no cost.

The fact it's free is important to Andover officials, since money is tight and they couldn't afford the heavy equipment, fuel and labor needed to clean up the meadow. Plus, goat landscaping is environmentally friendly.

If the program is a success, Andover officials want to make more public parkland available to other grazing animals.


And I thought that the geese shit in all the parks close to my house is bad...

Sitting on my ass at the ass doctor

What could be worse than waiting over an hour for an appointment at the Colon and Rectal Center, Inc? I'll tell you - it'd be worse if it was MY appointment. I was just along for moral support - which for me consists of making butt jokes.

I had to keep a straight face while this was sitting on the edge of the doctor's desk as he was reviewing the medical history:


Of course a nurse walked in and caught me taking that picture. What kind of freak does she think I am! Captain Clueless said he was surprised I didn't pop into the exam room and snap a shot of him getting probed. Jesh, I have some boundaries.

Aren't you glad I'm back?

La la la, la la la la la, la la la, la la la la la

Why can't I get that damn song outta of my head?

Ok, follow up on the babysitting. Parents, really - on a Friday night DO NOT trick a beer guzzling aunt into babysitting the VERY NEXT MORNING. Especially if she starts out dinner at a place with $2 22oz drafts (which I know draft beer makes me feel like shit the next day but they're only TWO DOLLARS!) and (per your instructions) brings a 12 pack over for a visit. Thankfully Bestie decided she was bored Saturday morning and helped me out. She picked up Mini J and by the time they got to my house I'd recovered enough to sit up without feeling the urge to hurl.

For a 2 year old he was pretty good. When he got too bored from chasing the dog around the house and whining about not being allowed to play by the pool, we took him and the dog down to the bike path and a rocky "beach" area on the river. Bestie tried to show him how to skip rocks so keeping him from hitting the dog was fun. We even managed to keep him from falling in. LMP finished her work and we all headed to Chick-Fil-A to meet for lunch where Mini J transformed into demon spawn.

All three adults spent most of the time trying to bribe, cajole and threaten him into eating at least one chicken nugget. He just kept nibbling on the big waffle style fries. LMP told him to eat or he couldn't go to the play area. So then the little brat gets ME into trouble because he picks up one of those big ass fries with both hands and procedes to stuff the entire thing in his mouth. It was funny. I started snickering and LMP shoots me one of those looks. You know The Mom look. Clearly, she needs to lower her expectations. Of me, not her two year old.



Next up, adventures in potty training and dog introductions (but I'm not promising when!)

Adventures in drunken visits resulting in babysitting

Somehow I got conned into watching Mini-J tomorrow. A Saturday. Morning. With a two year old. I'm sure that all the 22 oz drafts for $2 BEFORE she sprung the question on me had nothing to do with it.

How many kinds of dumb am I? This is the kid that showed up at the ball park Tuesday night without a having taken a nap all day. We walked up to the concession stand to get suckers & to wear him out. Ha! The only suckers were us. He threw a huge tantrum on the way back and kicked his ball towards the parking lot. Then kicked it again. And a third time, into the lot. Under a car. And went after it. With LMP telling him not to do it all the way. To Bestie I muttered - oh that kid would so get an ass whippin'. LMP retrieved the ball and dragged her progeny back to the diamonds, kicking and screaming the whole way.

Later, when he's in his chair in "time out" there are other kids running around playing. He sniffles.
Mini-J: "I want to go play with him." (everyone is "him" or "her" if Mini-J doesn't know their name.) No response from anyone

Mini-J: "Mommy, I want to go play with him!" Still no response from anyone

Mini-J: "I sorry"

Hoodchick: "That sounded very sincere." about 20 seconds go by

Mini-J: "*sniffle, sniffle* Mommy, I sssorry"

Hoodchick: *snicker*

Mini-J: "It's not funny!"

Hoodchick: "Oh, but it is. What isn't funny is the tantrum you threw earlier."

Mini-J: "Wha-aaaa-aaaa"

What is it about 2 year olds that they have to rely on tears to win a fight?

If he wasn't so darn cute I'd have been able to say NO WAY IN HELL!!!




For those of you busting on my Justin Timberlake love, I leave you this (which is really, really funny if you're up on popular music and in a country that allows you to view this. Seriously, I laughed so hard I farted. Wait a minute, I didn't say that. It was the DOG that farted. Really. Would I lie about something like that?)