Grow up already!

Back in September, LMP served my BIL with divorce papers. I was a little upset, but could understand if you’re not happy and you feel like you need to move on, then I respect that decision. I was bummed out about what it means for Mini-J. But hey, what kids today actually have parents who are still married?

I tried to stay neutral. But Switzerland can only take so much. As these things tend to do, it’s gotten ugly. Besides all the childish fighting (because they’re still in the same house and have to stay that way until it’s final) LMP keeps doing really shitty things to people that I care about.

Yeah, my BIL can be a real prick. But you’re leaving. So stop hiding things from each other (from laptops to flat irons) and act like you’re the adults. Hearing about the things you’re doing in front of your kid just makes EVERYONE think you’re dumb asses.
Yes, my BIL has met someone else. Get over it. Who knows who you’ve been screwing, besides everyone seeing you (always in a bar) with men old enough to be your father. This was your decision. Sure, you thought he’d never find anyone and would live alone and be miserable for the rest of his life. Because, as we’ve established, you’re a dumb ass.

Back in February you had a tantrum because my BIL introduced his girlfriend to his family and friends. You called Bestie to get dirt. You even grilled my MIL for information, about her own son, that you then turned around and threatened him with. Do you even care how that made mom or Bestie feel? No, because you’re a dumb ass.

Bestie invited you to an Arbonne party (with wine tasting) tomorrow night. Because we’re still trying to stay out of things and maintain a relationship. But you had to go to my MIL and ask her if SHE wasn’t invited to the party, would she watch Mini-J for you? Well, you fucking bitch, how do you think that made her feel? I didn’t invite her because I know she doesn’t drink wine and I didn’t want her to feel obligated to buy over priced skin care products (and she would have bought some, I know without a doubt.) Was it your intention to hurt this woman who has never done anything to you? Besides babysit her grandson for free while you go out whoring around? Are you a spiteful, immature little bitch or just a dumb ass?

Do I feel better that I got this off of my chest? Yes. I hope it keeps me from spewing forth my opinion of your behavior to your face tomorrow night. BTW, LMP doesn’t stand for little miss perfect anymore…

Scrooge you too!

December is a stressful enough time of the year and right now I’m at least 2 weeks behind in, well, just about everything.

I haven’t even started my Christmas cards. I have gifts that need wrapped. Which, at work we “adopted” a nearby school that 90 some percent of the kids families are living at or below poverty level (and that was before the economy tanked.) I have to have that gift wrapped and delivered by Monday. So I might as well wrap the whole pile while I have all the paper and ribbons and shit out. I still have 4 gift cards I need to buy. I need to make 11 pounds of fudge, 3 batches of caramel corn (I used to make popcorn balls, but I can’t get the damn things to come out right since I got my flat top stove), 4 batches of no-bake cookies AND buy containers to pack all that shit in. Not to mention the crap I need to make to take to various holiday parties over the next several weeks. You’re probably wondering why I have to make all this stuff. Between my mom, my sister and my MIL you’d think one of them could figure some of these recipes out. But nooooo, they tell me my fudge is the creamiest, my no-bake cookies are the awesome-ist (which is true) and my caramel corn is just like grandpa used to make. They can never get it to taste as good as mine. Since this is the only flattery I get my head swells so big that I can't think straight and once again I get suckered into making it all.

Also happening this week, my dad has a birthday. He’s still telling everyone he’ll be 39, but really he’s turning 60. So we’re all supposed to go out to dinner Saturday. And I still haven’t found the perfect birthday card. My 18 year old nephew flew in from Oklahoma for a visit and is staying with my parents – but he’ll probably end up here a couple of nights this week. My 12 year wedding anniversary is also this weekend. There was an argument on Sunday that put that milesonte in serious jeopardy. I got in my car and drove 35 minutes to my parent’s house for a visit and still had steam coming out of my ears when I got there.

What with everything that I’ve got going on I said fuck decorating. That’s right. Get over it people. And (spoiler alert) there’s no Santa Claus anyway and I don’t have kids to appreciate the effort. It’s not that I don’t have decorations. I have a whole shitload of decorations. What I don’t have is the time or motivation to dig them all out and set them up. And don’t even get me started on the putting away of the decorations.

Now that I’ve set the background for you, you can understand on Sunday when my mom asked “Do you want a Christmas village set?” why I went a little bonkers. At some point during my tirade of “Are you freakin’ kidding me? Hell no, I don’t want any damn Christmas village! Why does everyone have to get on my ass about not decorating?” Around this time I realized the look on my mom’s face was reminiscent of that time I got caught smoking in the bathroom at school. So I quickly ended with “Oh, but thanks for asking.” Good save, right?

Gimme a beat

The whole diet thing isn’t working out for me. I just can’t give up the booze and chocolate, and then those bastards at Krispy Kreme have the crack donuts back on the shelves.


So, exercise it is. I’m getting a little tired of the same old music on the iPod and decided to hit iTunes for some new stuff. Looking for upbeat, dance type music that will motivate me to get off my ass. Have you heard the crap passing for music these days? Let’s just take a peek at the top of the charts.

1 – Miley Cyrus. Nuff said.
2 – Fireflies. Lyrics (I kid you not): Cause I get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs as they try to teach me how to dance.
This is worse than the shitty music on the hybrid car commercials (you know, with people as the landscape.)
3 – Meet Me Halfway. I dig the Peas, but this is a bit mellow.
4 – 3. No, that’s not a mistake on my numbering. Britney couldn’t come up with a better name or lyrics for that matter.
5 – Whatcha Say. Whatcha say, whatcha say, whatcha say. I say your song sucks.
6 – Down. Ok, slow pathetically sappy rap song. Next…
7 – Replay. No idea what in the hell this guy is saying. Techno Jamaican music maybe?
8 – Paparazzi. I’ve got some GaGa. Even if I didn’t think this song sucked, her performances would have made me hate it. Creeee-py.
9 – I Gotta Feeling. Still not feeling it from this song, and it’s pretty overplayed overplayed overplayed (and repetitive.)
10 – Who Says. Seriously, John Fucking Mayer?

Don’t even get me started on the Top 10 Videos. I get the Justin Bierber shit, because you people give your kids way too much allowance. But have you seen the video for She Wolf? What the fuck? It’s like a horrible half naked mime show or something.

Oh yeah, and if you’re going to redo a song like ‘Should I stay or should I go’, it shouldn’t suck.

Screw it, I’m going to finish off those donuts.

A story about something that turned into a rant about something else

I've been skimming headlines, looking for interesting stories when I'm really supposed to be paying the bills. Going through the mail and bills annoys me to no end. First I have to sort out all the obvious junk, pull off anything with identification to shred (because I'm completely paranoid about identity theft.)

Then I look through all the coupon fliers, and they end up pissing me off. Why are the coupons for families of 8? What are my husband and I supposed to do with an extra large specialty pizza and a medium (but it's only .99!) plus dessert? There's two of us, and we don't manage to finish up a medium pie even with help from the dog. And what the hell would I do with a 15 piece bucket of chicken, I wonder?

Now I get down to sorting letters. How many places are still sending you "free" gifts and a guilt trip? Oh yes, dear ASPCA - I admire what you do. And I'll send you another check as soon as you remove my name from all the other lists you sold me out to. I can't save every creature and I don't want to see any more sad faced polar bears, mountain lions, lemurs or koala's.

One good thing has come out of this shitty economy, there's not a single credit card offer in the whole pile.

Any other positives? My husband's IRA actually made money this past month. AND I have a birthday coming up so most of my favorite stores are sending me $10 gift cards or coupons. I'm not thrilled about the birthday - I've tried to give them up ever since 30 rolled around - but I've got a major shopping jones building up.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, headlines. I came across this story in my attempts to do anything besides deal with the mail:

Police say a man posing as a waiter collected $186 in cash from diners at two restaurants in New Jersey and walked out with the money in his pocket.

Diners described the bogus waiter as a spikey-haired 20-something wearing a dark blue or black button-down shirt, yellow tie and khaki pants.

Police say he approached two women dining at Hobson's Choice in Hoboken, N.J. around 7:20 p.m. on Thursday. He asked if they needed anything else before paying. They said no and handed him $90 in cash.

About two hours later he approached three women dining at Margherita's Pizza and Cafe. He asked if they were ready to pay, took $96 and never returned with their change.

Wow! This generation gets so much bad press - a bunch of texting, video gaming, whining slackers. This kid has it going on. Initiative, creativity, dressing for success. I just hope he used part of the money to pay the back rent he owed his mom.

The new rage

(Note: I am in denial that last week ever happened. With a phone outage, high winds, power blips, internet outage, torn up siding and shingles and a non-booting computer, trust me, it’s for the best.)

Sunday I asked Captain Clueless to take the dog out for a walk while I cleaned up land mines in the back yard. They returned through the back yard because they had a lot of mud to clean off. He asks me a question as I’m busy scooping. I respond. He loudly says “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

I look at him, and sure enough he still has his ear buds in. “Can you hear this?” I asked, as I flipped him the bird.

A few minutes later he asks me something else, and I look at him. He still has the damn things in. There is no way he could hear my response unless I screamed it. I started ranting (to myself because he obviously wasn’t going to hear me) about how rude that is and if he can’t at least take those things out of his ears I am not even bothering to try to talk to him, etc. I go back to my chore and he says “I CAN READ YOUR LIPS YOU KNOW, IT’S NOT NICE OF YOU TO CALL ME A COCK SUCKER!”

I say it was completely justified.