Friday, October 30, 2009

Happy Halloweenie!

I know I've been slacking off again, but we're having a bit of indian summer here and you know I'm a fair weather friend. I'm too lazy to look it up, where did the term indian summer come from anyway? Is it offensive to our native american friends? You know, because I strive to be totally PC.

Back on topic. So, my sister sent me an obnoxious text of a guy with a mask on his lap and his male member sticking out, sort of wiggling around. Happy Halloweenie! it declared. I guffawed. I was going to share it, but then I downloaded an update to my phone Wednesday and the message went poof. Dammit.

I know what you're thinking - it's Friday so Hoodchick's obviously composing one of her drunk posts. You're right of course. But here's the thing - last Friday got a little wild, so tonight I'm sipping some pinot noir, nibbling some cheese and crackers, and catching up on my blog reading. How bad could last Friday have been? Let's just say that Bestie and I should not be allowed to do shots together. Ever. Again. Especially after her birthday party over the summer (hey, your BFF only turns 31 once, right?) Anyway, so last Friday it was amazing enough that we got the hubs to go out, but at some point someone mentioned titty bars. There's still a very heated debate about who that someone was. And someone else (cough cough) was hammered enough to say "I've never been to a titty bar." The rest, as they say, is history. Bestie's lucky, her memory of the night is a lot spottier than mine.

So, with the temperature up in the 80 degree (F) area - Bestie and I took the dogs out for a hike and then I came home to chill. Tomorrow's errand day, then trick-or-treat for the kiddies. I bought a big 120 piece bag of mixed candy bars. Captain Clueless is telling the dog that I better give away the crappy stuff first.
"Like what?" I asked.
"The Almond Joys."
"Hey! I like the Almond Joys."
"Yeah, but you don't need them."

A sudden end to indian summer.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Gimme a beat

The whole diet thing isn’t working out for me. I just can’t give up the booze and chocolate, and then those bastards at Krispy Kreme have the crack donuts back on the shelves.

So, exercise it is. I’m getting a little tired of the same old music on the iPod and decided to hit iTunes for some new stuff. Looking for upbeat, dance type music that will motivate me to get off my ass. Have you heard the crap passing for music these days? Let’s just take a peek at the top of the charts.

1 – Miley Cyrus. Nuff said.
2 – Fireflies. Lyrics (I kid you not): Cause I get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs as they try to teach me how to dance.
This is worse than the shitty music on the hybrid car commercials (you know, with people as the landscape.)
3 – Meet Me Halfway. I dig the Peas, but this is a bit mellow.
4 – 3. No, that’s not a mistake on my numbering. Britney couldn’t come up with a better name or lyrics for that matter.
5 – Whatcha Say. Whatcha say, whatcha say, whatcha say. I say your song sucks.
6 – Down. Ok, slow pathetically sappy rap song. Next…
7 – Replay. No idea what in the hell this guy is saying. Techno Jamaican music maybe?
8 – Paparazzi. I’ve got some GaGa. Even if I didn’t think this song sucked, her performances would have made me hate it. Creeee-py.
9 – I Gotta Feeling. Still not feeling it from this song, and it’s pretty overplayed overplayed overplayed (and repetitive.)
10 – Who Says. Seriously, John Fucking Mayer?

Don’t even get me started on the Top 10 Videos. I get the Justin Bierber shit, because you people give your kids way too much allowance. But have you seen the video for She Wolf? What the fuck? It’s like a horrible half naked mime show or something.

Oh yeah, and if you’re going to redo a song like ‘Should I stay or should I go’, it shouldn’t suck.

Screw it, I’m going to finish off those donuts.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

This is sure to get someone's goat

How long do you think it will take for PETA to get bug up their arse about this?

ANDOVER, Mass.— A Boston suburb has some new landscapers that will work for food _ a half-dozen goats clearing and maintaining an overgrown public meadow.

Under a pilot program in Andover, Lucy McKain's dairy goats will rotate their grazing around the meadow for an all-you-can-eat buffet of grass, brush and other growth. The goats can clear as much as a half acre every three days at no cost.

The fact it's free is important to Andover officials, since money is tight and they couldn't afford the heavy equipment, fuel and labor needed to clean up the meadow. Plus, goat landscaping is environmentally friendly.

If the program is a success, Andover officials want to make more public parkland available to other grazing animals.

And I thought that the geese shit in all the parks close to my house is bad...

Monday, October 12, 2009

Sitting on my ass at the ass doctor

What could be worse than waiting over an hour for an appointment at the Colon and Rectal Center, Inc? I'll tell you - it'd be worse if it was MY appointment. I was just along for moral support - which for me consists of making butt jokes.

I had to keep a straight face while this was sitting on the edge of the doctor's desk as he was reviewing the medical history:

Of course a nurse walked in and caught me taking that picture. What kind of freak does she think I am! Captain Clueless said he was surprised I didn't pop into the exam room and snap a shot of him getting probed. Jesh, I have some boundaries.

Aren't you glad I'm back?