Friday, February 27, 2009

Bitchy or funny, you decide

I am alive. Barely. At a time when I'm sporting the latest virus I also have 3 new projects dumped on me so have been working crazy hours. By the time I got home and scrounged up some grub, I just wanted to relax. And what happens, fucking phone rings off the hook.

I'm known to enter the random contest or two, so this is the strategy I've started using when charities, sales people, or (wtf?) survey takers call and invade my peace and quiet.

Hoodchick: "Hello"

Annoying caller: "Hi, is Mrs. Hoodchick home?"

Hoodchick: "Why, did I win something?"

AC: "Uhh. Umm. No, but..."

Hoodchick: "If you're not calling to tell me I've won something, then I'm not interested."

AC: (usually with a nervous chuckle) "Well, I'm calling about..."

Hoodchick (interrupting) "Seriously. I'm. not. interested." click

Captain Clueless can't believe I do this. He thinks it's totally bitchy. But he's the guy that picks up and immediately disconnects when a call is from an unknown number. And they just call back later.

Now I'm off to mix beer with antibiotics, and catch up on my blog reading (it's ok, it's lite beer.)

Monday, February 23, 2009

Ass Drag Monday

It's that day again. I spent most of Saturday hoping I had a hangover. Around 4pm I gave in - I'm sick. I seem to have caught some freaky nauseous, sneezy, coughy crud that has been going around. Which reminded me of an ongoing debate about "The Sleeve."

I don't know about you, but at times when I sneeze and cough - especially if I'm sick - there tends to be some kind of "mucal output." Somehow, without training, I manage to carry around enough tissues to use & discard and hand sanitizer if I just have to be out and about. If meeting someone new, I explain and refrain from shaking hands. But I guess that I am a germ spreader, uncouth and unhip.

The next time you're in line at the buffet, be sure to look for these über hygienic people. Shake their germ free hand. And hope none of that flaky, dried up snot fell off of their sleeve into your entree.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Reality bites

There are a lot of people out there who love reality TV, and a lot that hate it. And probably even more that say they hate it but are actually sneaking it like a compulsive eater with their ho-ho stash.

However you feel (or say you feel) about reality TV, there are worse things out there. If you haven't discovered the late night adult oriented cartoons, you are missing out. For your viewing pleasure, my all time favorite Robot Chicken episode.

Hilarious (and wrong) on so many levels.

I am now going back to nursing my headache with loads of booze.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Rules for Life

Jeanne sent out a challenge to her readers to come up with 10 rules for life. Of course I can't do anything normally so (I did some rounding here) I figured I'm about 70% of Jeanne's age so I must only have learned 7 rules worth passing on.

1. Husbands do not find it attractive to catch you mopping up under the boob sweat with the T-shirt you just stripped off after a work out. So be prepared by keeping an eye on the door at all times, ready to fling it into the hamper in a really slick basket shot.

2. Glazed pumpkin spice Krispy Kreme’s do not count towards your daily fruit intake. But boy are they gooo-oood.

3. People who drive 5 or even 10 miles an hour below the speed limit on a dry, flat, straight road are probably: very intelligent, had parents who were married when they were conceived and are physically unable to do the things I suggest. But it keeps me from making rude hand gestures which can get you into a heap of trouble in today’s world.

4. If your kid has to go to the dentist to get a cavity filled, DO NOT let them administer the “goofy gas.” It is more addictive than crack. Your kids will start sneaking sugar covered gummi bears before they lay down to dream of their next fix.

5. Things that really annoy you are probably things you’re guilty of. Like when I am researching a product and there are no reviews, it pisses me off. And yet I’ve never posted a product review. I tried once, but the word verification kicked my ass so I took that as a sign.

6. You can’t change people who are mean, petty, jealous or bigoted. You may have to be acquainted with people like this, but never, ever, mistake them for your friend.

7. Confiscate all cameras and phones before taking a bong hit. Sure, you’re not famous now but if you become famous I hope you will thank me for this tip by sliding me some cash. And I’ll keep the photo to myself.

P.S. I know the link is wonky, but there is something broken when I try to go directly to that day's post. You will have to scroll down to find it. Don't sprain anything.

Monday, February 16, 2009

The new rage

(Note: I am in denial that last week ever happened. With a phone outage, high winds, power blips, internet outage, torn up siding and shingles and a non-booting computer, trust me, it’s for the best.)

Sunday I asked Captain Clueless to take the dog out for a walk while I cleaned up land mines in the back yard. They returned through the back yard because they had a lot of mud to clean off. He asks me a question as I’m busy scooping. I respond. He loudly says “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

I look at him, and sure enough he still has his ear buds in. “Can you hear this?” I asked, as I flipped him the bird.

A few minutes later he asks me something else, and I look at him. He still has the damn things in. There is no way he could hear my response unless I screamed it. I started ranting (to myself because he obviously wasn’t going to hear me) about how rude that is and if he can’t at least take those things out of his ears I am not even bothering to try to talk to him, etc. I go back to my chore and he says “I CAN READ YOUR LIPS YOU KNOW, IT’S NOT NICE OF YOU TO CALL ME A COCK SUCKER!”

I say it was completely justified.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A letter to the phone company

Dear Cincinnati Bell,

Normally we text each other but for some reason I decided to call my husband today to discuss dinner since I was very late leaving work. Imagine my surprise when I called home and got voice mail.

Being that I never recorded an answering machine greeting, it's a strange male-like voice that should have answered. Once I received a female greeting, I knew something was up. I've never used your voice mail service, and honestly have no idea how to even retrieve messages from it.

I suppose I should call you and complain about my phone being out, since I am paying you fuckers after all. It has been strangely peaceful the last few evenings, with no one calling me to ask for money that I don't have to give. Maybe I don't need a land line after all, thanks for the great service!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Ass Grab Monday

Ha! I know what you were expecting, with it being Monday and all. So what's up with the ass grabbing in place of dragging? What might be contributing to my cheery mood? (and no I'm not drunk!)

After 4 weeks of being laid off, Captain Clueless went back to work today. Which is good because with the medical and dental bills I've had to cut back on my spending addictions - and I'm really having a sweater jones.

He sent me a text around 9am that said "This sucks!"
I responded "So does welfare!"

For some reason I didn't hear back from him.

We're having a wonderful heat wave - 50's. I was able to wear clothes that don't make me look like a marshmellow, and my favorite light weight leather jacket. I may have a touch of spring fever, although I know it's going to get cold again. A co-worker IM'd me that it was 71 where she lives and I managed not to call her a nasty name. Out loud.

President Obama ended his speech by 9:00 so it didn't screw up Heros or Medium. I voted for the guy, I don't actually have to listen to him, right?

I laughed, and maybe even snorted a little over the pictures of Ponita's horse, Thunder, in giant underpants that I was trying to win.

Hey, February in Ohio pretty much sucks so you have to appreciate the little things.

Friday, February 6, 2009

It's raining cats & dogs

Ok, so not yet. But the forecast around here is for freakishly high temperatures and rain. Which plays havoc with my migraines so I will be highly self medicated all weekend. This should be fun! Although I'm thinking my doc needs to up my standing darvoset prescription to something stronger.

Now, in honor of Marinka, who has been bragging about her perfect pussy, here's a story that makes me laugh no matter how many times I read it.

The dog vs. the cat
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so He is safe. For now.....

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Gray skies are going to clear up...

I'm trying so damn hard to be in a good mood, but the world is conspiring against me.

Yesterday I woke up and thought, yes! I only have 7 more days with these temps on my teeth, I have a hair appointment tonight, and AND Plum Spooky finally came in. I was only 169th on the reservation list at the library. Patience is not my forte. If it hadn't been one of the risky 'between the numbers' books I would have bought it last year instead of waiting.

This is what happened.

Wednesday we had a team vs. team lunch-n-bowl scheduled. I’m not much of a bowler, except on the Wii. I felt bad because only 3 of my other team mates showed up, so I actually gave it a try. I rolled a fucking 50 something. My team lost by about 19 pins. The bad part was, as I was carefully tearing apart and eating my chicken fingers (gotta love bowling alley food) somehow I tore loose one side of my temps. I quickly pressed it back on. So far it’s held, but I’m thinking I might not make it until next Wednesday without some repair work. (I didn’t feel bad about my score. Really, I warned them about my lack of skill.)

So, I left work to head to the salon. The disaster area they call I-75 was its usual mess, and I was afraid I’d be late. I finally got through the jam and was flying along thinking, at least I didn’t run anyone over. But if I do, I’m following this example:
Published - Jan 17 2009 06:53AM EST AP
An elderly woman in Palm Beach County crashed with her vehicle into a man on a scooter and then kept driving to make her hair appointment, police said.
Louise Davidson, 77, was arrested Thursday for leaving the scene of an injury crash, Boynton Beach police said.
Police spokeswoman Stephanie Slater said the woman was turning right when she veered into the path of the oncoming scooter that had the right of way. The man was thrown by the impact onto the windshield and then fell to the road, she added.
Police said they later spotted the woman's car after she had her hair appointment.
Authorities said the man suffered abrasions all over his body but the injuries were not believed to be life threatening.

Do not get between a woman with gray growing out and her hair appointment. This is a lesson to all you men out there – hair crises trump abrasions.

I decide to change a few things, which will require some awkward growing out. Looked fine when she styled it, even if the bangs are a bit shorter than I like. I go to style it this morning and I can’t do shit with it. We’ll see if I make it to the new style without taking scissors to it.

At lunch I stop in Walmart to get the only yogurt I actually like (which the bastards at Kroger stopped selling.) Guess what. No. fucking. yogurt. I consoled myself with a box of Ghirardelli dark chocolate mint creams. That sounds like I ate the whole box, but I didn’t. Even if I wanted to.

Back at my desk, trying to enjoy my chocolate buzz and Captain Clueless calls. It seems he took our 120+ lb (hey, it’s his winter weight) dog out for a walk. CC wanted to tell me, in case there are police at the house when I get home, that someone’s poodle attacked our dog. My big sweetie doesn’t like strange dogs, because he was bitten by a loose dog.
I asked if there was blood.
Serious injuries?
“Couldn’t tell. He had it pinned to the ground by the throat.”
Did it happen in their yard?
“No, on the street. It didn’t have a leash, just ran out from under a porch at us.”
I told him where the non-expired dog license was, just in case. But I’m thinking it’s the poor little shit’s owners fault.

And of course, there was a wreck on the I-75 parking lot so it took me 3 times the usual to finally get home.

So my question is, if I snarf the rest of that box of chocolate while using the elliptical and reading my book do any of the calories count?

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

It's an epidemic

Yesterday was so ass drag that I didn't even make it to the computer to manage writing anything. Today I was going to have some discussion along the likes of - wtf is 'pre' about premenstrual syndrome, I'm this bitchy at least 3 days in.

Before writing my witty post I caught up on some of my reading only to discover that it's an epidemic. I knew that women who lived together or work closely together get in the same cycle, but I had no idea this was happening in blog circles. Scarlet's got hygiene products, MJs teasing a post for later. The men are wearing red bow ties. Some of the gals are super bitchy but aren't fessing up to aunt flow being in town (you know who you are.) It all must mean something. I'm sure I could figure it out, but I need to go eat more chocolate.